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Keeping it Zipped

I am getting older, so my testosterone is dropping, but when I see a naked woman, it is hard not to look twice. The trouble is that these days, naked women are everywhere and they always seem to be looking straight back at me.

When I go to the newsagents to buy my daily copy of the Australian, the naked women on the news stand are always looking at me.   When I am on YouTube looking at a video on the left hand side about prayer, there they are again, on the right hand side, looking straight at me and I can’t take my eyes off them. Before you know it, the little fella’s wiggling around and I just want to look at those naked women a little bit more.

By then you feel pretty bad because you are a happily married man with a beautiful sexy wife, yes, still sexy 38 years on. (It is amazing what the oxytocin’s will do if you let them!) As I was saying, you are feeling pretty guilty because not only do you have five children but you also have five grandchildren. What is wrong with me you say? Absolutely nothing.

That’s right, you are a normal man who is charged up with testosterone, commonly called the sex hormone. Men have between 10-20 times more testosterone in their bodies than women. In some cases it can be as much as 70 times the differential. As Dr  Allan Meyer, author of  Valiant Man and creator of the  Valiant Man Program, says, “Women live in an estrogen mist but men live in a testosterone fog”. Now you know why you have more ‘yes’s to your wife’s ‘no’s. There is the first challenge of married life but back to the story.

In other words, if you are a man the fact that the naked women are looking at you, and the reaction you experience, is perfectly normal. God made you as a man to be excited about the beauty of a naked woman. The problem is not with you, it is the fact that the women are naked, and they are everywhere. You are meant to see your naked wife, not random naked women on your computer screen in very suggestive poses.

For many years, when we first started Dads4Kids I deliberately wanted to keep it simple, so whenever I did Fatherhood Seminars I didn’t talk about sex. Hey, there are enough issues for dads to talk about without bringing sex into it. I was in Tasmania doing a fatherhood seminar in Launceston. The title was called, ‘Seven Secrets for Success’. I use an acrostic of SUCCESS for this. There are three ‘S’s in success but in my seminar, none of those ‘S’s stood for sex because I was trying to deal with other issues for fathers besides this one.

I was foolish enough to ask a rhetorical question, “What does the first S stand for?” Some joker at the back of the room yelled out, “SEX” and I retorted, “Wrong!” All night long I kept thinking that he was right and I was wrong. The absolute first step to becoming a father is sex. This is one of the many reasons Dads4Kids ran Australia’s first Sexual Integrity Forum at Parliament House, Canberra in 2005.

Some time later I was working on the recording of our album, Fathers, with our family band. One morning I showed up at the studio to lay down some guitar tracks. When I got there I asked the sound engineer where Geoff was, who had been helping us with our recording. His reply was, “Haven’t you heard? Geoff’s in gaol!”

You could have knocked me over with a feather. I was gutted. Geoff had been arrested for sexually molesting his two teenage step-daughters. It came as a great shock to us as we had known Geoff and his family for a number of years and had no idea that there were any problems. Some time before we had found a lot of porn images on our computer after we had been away and our house had been used by quite a few families. On reflection Geoff had obviously been addicted to internet pornography with unthinkable results. He had been working with us on an album about fathers and yet his own fathering was tragically flawed.

Fatherhood begins with sex and sadly it often ends with it as well because fathers don’t “keep it zipped.” Sexual Integrity matters because our relationships matter. Our relationships define us. We need to practice sexual integrity as individuals and as a nation to protect our relationships, and that includes running away from deviancy. If our relationships are damaged we pass that damage on to our children. When our children are damaged the future of our nation is damaged.

So how do you “keep it zipped” in a world where everywhere you turn there seems to be another naked woman looking at you? First we have to understand that the power of sexual images on the male brain is similar to heroin.

Dr William M. Struthers a neuroscientist from Wheaton College  explains, “Men seem to be wired in such a way that pornography hijacks the proper functioning of their brains and has a long-lasting effect on their thoughts and lives.” He wrote a book every man who struggles with pornography needs to read called  Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain.

The next thing you need to know is that porn destroys your intimacy and it harms those who make it.

Thirdly you need to know young men are increasingly leading a new movement against porn.  The revolution will not be televised but it will be seen on YouTube. One young man who is 18 years of age from the UK has made the news by speaking up for sexual integrity. Even big companies like Google are leading the way by refusing porn advertisements. There are many different online programs that can help if you are struggling with a porn addiction, such as Fortify and Setting the Captives Free.

Jason Huxley is a brave Aussie who is providing a fantastic support network for those who need assistance. Groups like Sexaholics Anonymous can also be of great assistance. Dr Allan Meyers 10 week Valiant Man Program which I have done myself is world’s best practice in understanding the keys to Sexual Integrity.

Allan is one of our speakers in the Dads4Kids Good to Great Fathering Course. The main advice I could give about “keeping it zipped” is in that very old saying, “the price of safety is eternal vigilance” because once a man always a man.

Lovework

The good news if you think the naked women are looking at you are totally normal.  You are a man, and once you accept the reality of your manhood you can always reach out to other men for help. That’s why being part of a men’s group is so important. No man is an island. From a fatherhood point of view this is a conversation you must have with your children. Check out this great resource.

But make sure you do, because as a great man once said, “Never ever ever give up.”

Yours for our Children’s Future

Warwick Marsh

PS: Unfortunately we have another bill in the Senate by the Greens to redefine marriage by stealth and rob children of their biological birthright to a mother and father. I wish they would concentrate more on looking after the environment.  If you believe children need a mother and a father put in a submission to the SenateInquiry into the Recognition of Foreign Marriages Bill 2014. Submissions close 31 July 2014. The issue is very much in the news.

This Bill puts adults’ rights above children’s rights. This is all about numbers and speaking up for our children, so a single sentence detailing your opposition to the bill will be sufficient. See the Saltshakers Campaign for more ideas. Tell your friends to do the same.

Address your email to:

Committee Secretary Senate Legal and Constitutional Affairs Committee

Parliament House Canberra ACT 2600

Email legcon.sen@aph.gov.au 

Be sure to include your name and address.

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